A son's return

Sometimes I get in a state of being, this discontentment about the present inward life, a feeling of restlessness.
I soon arrive to asking myself, is this it? Is this all that life has to offer? And usually (almost always) this would be the best time to examine the kind of lifestyle I've been leading. I believe there is a root to why I am in this state of mind. Thus by my investigation of my current life happenings I realize how astray my heart really is from God. I have come to a place of idleness in nurturing my spiritual inward life. I see in a mirror a man (me) who's given up on himself. Apathy and aimlessness becomes of me.

But with all this said and done, I cannot continue living like this. I say this NOT because it's the right answer, instead because I hate living like this. I do not feel alive. I feel depressed, sad, and melancholy. It's quite pitiful and pathetic actually. What's worst is I do not really do much about it, except distract myself from my present state of being, I find an escape. I just do not think about it. I fill up my time with mindless things from watching a movie, taking a nap, to playing sports, just really focusing on not bringing attention to my depressing innermost life.

Nevertheless deep inside in the very core of my being I absolutely know life is not supposed to be this way. I look at my hands before me signifying my disgust toward my restless uneasiness about my present internal reality. I soon confront again these questions I must ask myself to bring me back to the value of life: purpose and meaning. I can never truly be at peace with myself and have joy in my life, unless I first understand and am reminded of why I exist here on earth. That my existence here on earth counts for something.

I'm not trying to be a somebody or above anyone, but I honestly have come to embrace this strong desire I posses to make my life count. Nothing else could be worse than that of a life wasted on nothingness, without ever having a deep, transcendent, and soul consuming purpose; worthwhile to live out. This is what I believe: God created me from His freewill and all acts that can only be traced back to Him is the root and is the essence of His perfect love. If then I was created by His love, I realize He desires to share His love to me. And if then I am gifted by His love, what shall I do with this love but display "it" for others to realize as well that God's love was meant to be experienced and shared. Yet I cannot come to experience God's love, if this heart of mine is on idle from Him. I must draw near to Him and be responsible for my relational covenant I have with the person of God.

Main point is to be astray from God is hopelessness. To be with God is everything life was/is meant to be. Joy and life's satisfaction begins and ends with God.