In this moment

There are things I feel, I can’t explain…
Words that I can’t find to express to you this sense in me…
I wish I knew how…

It’s a feeling I can’t deny
I’ve been looking for my self
I can’t quite figure it out
This kind of man I was designed to be

You say you want to help me,
But that’s only true for such a short time.

I find myself wandering into many different places
And still not one ever feels quite like home
In fact I’m not sure what home is suppose to feel like.
I find no rest for the comfort of my soul
And yet you and others find a home in me

I have given most a proper genuine love a person can have
Nevertheless they still want more
Are you not satisfied?

I’m not lost
I’m confused

I’m so caught up making you happy
I’m realizing you’re only worried about your happiness.
I have not time to figure my own.

Who am I?
I don’t want you to tell me who I am
Or who I’m supposed to be
All that you know is what you like
And most convenient to you

All that you’ve done for me is tell me to change
Change to better suit your disposition
To become amiable to your insecurities

I’m tired of that.
How long can a man endure
Before he starts to decay inside.

Where’s my love?
You want me to love you,
But you can’t seem to find it in you.
Remember the Golden Rule?

The Kiss of Sanctuary

There is a place for those whom are ashamed
A place for those who are desperate,
A place for those who's soul cannot find rest.

All are welcomed
Freedom reigns here
This is reality others have found and never looked back

If thee seek this place
Thee shall discover in thy heart unknown to thyself a deep sincere gratitude
It's a place thee shall never forget and never desire to leave

Once thee enter,
Thy being is penetrated with bliss
Newness becomes of thee

Thy heart pounds to a new rhythm,
Of wonder are the lens with which thy eyes now see
A beat of centripetal force that anyone cannot deny.

Life truly begins and ends here.
To whom is found guilty shall find embrace through mercy.
To whom being contrite shall be deeply purified and captivated by grace.
This place is the highest and greatest love story.
Behold this place is in Him.

Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

A son's return

Sometimes I get in a state of being, this discontentment about the present inward life, a feeling of restlessness.
I soon arrive to asking myself, is this it? Is this all that life has to offer? And usually (almost always) this would be the best time to examine the kind of lifestyle I've been leading. I believe there is a root to why I am in this state of mind. Thus by my investigation of my current life happenings I realize how astray my heart really is from God. I have come to a place of idleness in nurturing my spiritual inward life. I see in a mirror a man (me) who's given up on himself. Apathy and aimlessness becomes of me.

But with all this said and done, I cannot continue living like this. I say this NOT because it's the right answer, instead because I hate living like this. I do not feel alive. I feel depressed, sad, and melancholy. It's quite pitiful and pathetic actually. What's worst is I do not really do much about it, except distract myself from my present state of being, I find an escape. I just do not think about it. I fill up my time with mindless things from watching a movie, taking a nap, to playing sports, just really focusing on not bringing attention to my depressing innermost life.

Nevertheless deep inside in the very core of my being I absolutely know life is not supposed to be this way. I look at my hands before me signifying my disgust toward my restless uneasiness about my present internal reality. I soon confront again these questions I must ask myself to bring me back to the value of life: purpose and meaning. I can never truly be at peace with myself and have joy in my life, unless I first understand and am reminded of why I exist here on earth. That my existence here on earth counts for something.

I'm not trying to be a somebody or above anyone, but I honestly have come to embrace this strong desire I posses to make my life count. Nothing else could be worse than that of a life wasted on nothingness, without ever having a deep, transcendent, and soul consuming purpose; worthwhile to live out. This is what I believe: God created me from His freewill and all acts that can only be traced back to Him is the root and is the essence of His perfect love. If then I was created by His love, I realize He desires to share His love to me. And if then I am gifted by His love, what shall I do with this love but display "it" for others to realize as well that God's love was meant to be experienced and shared. Yet I cannot come to experience God's love, if this heart of mine is on idle from Him. I must draw near to Him and be responsible for my relational covenant I have with the person of God.

Main point is to be astray from God is hopelessness. To be with God is everything life was/is meant to be. Joy and life's satisfaction begins and ends with God.

Bearer of the light, which enlightens all men.

In the still of the night I wait...
As others cradled in their sleep...
I reflect upon the many hours before...
Searching through the past moments of yesterday....

Where are you taking me?
What are you showing me?

I close my eyes to see...
I watch as a bystander of the past...
I saw this kind of person...

I perceived him giving all that he is,
Without the pretense...

He was a protector, a giver, benevolent, passionate, mindful, and present being...
This heart you cultivated and transformed...
In you I am breathing and living...

Loneliness is gone,
When love exists.