tasteless

There are times when I get into this kind of mood when inside me I yearn so much to leave this world and into the next (NO, I'm not going to kill myself). When I catch myself reminding, thinking about why and what am I living for in this life again? There are sure many things to be thankful about, I know. But honestly I just don't seem to care. I have been talking to a friend who seems to be beat by aimless suffering of not really sure why this life even matters, to begin with.

I was leaving from work at Chili's restaurant and the first thing that came out of my mouth when I passed through the exit door, "this is it? Is this all that this life has to offer?" My spirit was discontent. Not that my job is boring, but life has been repetitive. I wake up, get ready for the day, then school, then study during the wee hours of the night (monday through Friday) then weekend arrives I go to work, trying to stay on top of my bills, as a good citizen would do. This whole cycle goes on and on, where is it all heading to...? Do not get me wrong I do have happy times but it all too soon diminishes and life continues with or without me. Too many things demand a piece of me, usually not just because of my good company, rather I'm needed to be poured out. When there's nothing more to give, what can I give? I am weak. It seems that this life I live is so easily and pleasurably inclined to take all that is hopeful within me. I can tell you, hope does not come from the world itself. A sense of dissatisfaction came tumbling over me. I cannot seem to think of any happy moments that I could have ever held on to that would last and still be so refreshing to me. This week has been a bleak moment to moment. It is so difficult to put these things into words, but what it all boils down to is this, life's wear and tear through good and bad are so temporary, they fleet away, as the day turns into night. There is no good in a life made for dissatisfaction, instead there is good for a life made for satisfaction even when moments of despair comes along the way, but the end is complete satisfaction.

How does one keep on? Do we live for the next moment wishing it would be something better than it was prior or somewhat as good as it was then? I'm not really sure how long one could keep on-- that is arbitrary, unless something definitive promises a better day and this "better day" is supreme among all better days, the day when time exists no more and into the new world where one does not need to strive any longer, and the desires of humanity shall be quenched forever and evermore, as in to thirst is an idea never heard before or is no more a concept and a realization that an individual does not ever arrive to.

So... when life does not satisfy, where shall I go? God, the Triune God (Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit, God the Father).
Life makes much more sense when God is in the picture. And though the toils of life may give way to my discontentment, I shall still advocate GOSPEL LOVE to make this world a better world to those who live in the world. I shall not take part in this perpetual state that most of us continue to live in, apathy. There will always be a doubt in me for where I am ultimately heading when death arrives, but I have considered and would rather live a life making a positive construction in however small or large as I exist in this world. To love perfectly in this life is to live a perfect life--> that is where mind, heart, and soul shall partake and reside, in the Preeminent revolution.

On Bended Knees

In view of God's mercy...

*It is most humbling when I realize that I do not know much, when I can be so pretentious.
*It is most humbling when I realize how evil I can be and yet I can still be loved.
*It is most humbling when I realize how egocentric I can be and I'm left alone, lonely by myself.
*It is most humbling when I realize that I never have it ALL together.
*It is most humbling when I realize my words are meaningless and have no great affect/effect to anyone.
*It is most humbling when I realize just how incompetent I am in many areas.
*It is most humbling when I realize I don't deserve things I'm given.
*It is most humbling when I realize I have failed to live up to the standards I regard others to.
*It is most humbling when I realize I do not love well enough.
*It is most humbling when I realize I am aimless, reckless, and sloppy.
*It is most humbling when I realize I have been an agent of destruction.
*It is most humbling when I realize how ignorant and naive toward others.
*It is most humbling when I realize again my brokenness, neediness, desperation for something to lift me back up again.
*It is most humbling when I realize how small and insignificant I am in comparison to the billions upon billions of people that live in this world.