Love is a movement

This summer of 2010 was a different kind. A significant transition occurred; among my intimate friends we decided to establish ourselves at Rock Harbor Fullerton church and call it our home. It has been a great blessing to belong at this congregation where the Spirit is evidently active and inspiring His people into action as doers of the Word. As I embark on my journey at Rock Harbor Fullerton, I am led by the Spirit to meditate more about what spreading the love could look like for this particular chapter of my life.

In the midst of getting involved, a few of my life group sisters shared their passionate story about volunteering at SOLFUL camp and how they needed more volunteers. Basically the city of Fullerton took a hit when “California budget cuts have forced the closure of summer school and given thousands of children no where to go.” Therefore SOLFUL, also known as Summer of Love Fullerton Camp came into existence as an initiative act to meet this need; which by the way was decided among a band of churches (including Rock Harbor Fullerton) who have passionate hearts to transform the Fullerton community. How cool is that!? As I heard about the unfortunate situation of these children, my heart immediately was stirred up to do something and I knew it was God’s way of directing me to this opportunity; the opportunity to be a catalyst for love by giving my time to SOLFUL camp and creating space in me for the Spirit work through me.

As the days pass by at camp, God was illuminating things to me about love and children. I came into camp as a stranger to these kids without a clue of what God intended for me and over time building my relationship I’ve become somewhat of a hero to them. My relationship with the children grew stronger. By engaging in their lives I became more attached and consequently my affections for them progressively deepened. So when I realized my position of the significant influence I have over them; it was not long that I arrived to understand the importance and profound impact I could have long-term in such tiny beautiful little beings . When SOLFUL camp reached its’ half way mark, I began to continually asked myself a very serious and sobering question: How can I express love on to these children and have it possible for them to personally experience this kind of love in a soul touching, meaningful way? I think it’s fascinating to be reminded time after time by how much I can learn from my relationships.

The Holy Spirit enlightened me as I meditated on my interaction at camp. The love my kids at camp needed is someone (me) genuinely to support and believe in them. To love them by taking the time/ effort to discern, then meet them wherever they're at and guide them properly through the reality of life. Do not mistake me for talking about the prevalent unsubstantial Christianity “fluff” where too often we smother children with praises because we’re so worried they may acquire low self-esteem and so we compromise and they become prideful or that which we distract them with gifts just so children can forget about/ escape their hurts without ever guiding them to confront challenges, sheltering them from reality or when we lack firmness and not follow through with disciplinary consequences because we ourselves cannot endure to experience the uneasiness of children going through something difficult of admonishment, etc. Sadly, I’m not exempt from these examples but now I choose to love wisely with conviction.

Love has many different sides when expressing it given the context. I had the opportunity and joy to practice loving well. I was put into situations of consoling children who were teased at, giving affirmation appropriately when it was called for, standing alongside befriending a few who struggled to be part of the "clique," encouraging a few who felt insecure playing soccer because they weren’t as good as some kids were, and executing disciplinary course of action when a child at camp was deviant and had a negative attitude, regardless of situation the Spirit was so gracious to empower me with discernment for when administering the right kind of love. I wish you could see the transformation that happened to my kids at camp when love is expressed just right. Their joyful attitude is so evident by their faces and the respect they had for me increased by their change of behavior for the better.

I grew more of a firm believer that love is intentional and with purpose. SOLFUL was not a program to babysit but I believe it was about empowering children to be the individual they were designed by God to be. I was so amazed of my children; I saw many of them find new strength to their spirit that was not there before. When children are at their weak point in of themselves or in need, I gave compassion and took delight in who they were as persons, that by my action I expressed an important message I wanted them to feel and understand: they are worthy to be love and cared for unconditionally. I guess what I'm trying to say too is God does just the same to us as adults.

In this moment

There are things I feel, I can’t explain…
Words that I can’t find to express to you this sense in me…
I wish I knew how…

It’s a feeling I can’t deny
I’ve been looking for my self
I can’t quite figure it out
This kind of man I was designed to be

You say you want to help me,
But that’s only true for such a short time.

I find myself wandering into many different places
And still not one ever feels quite like home
In fact I’m not sure what home is suppose to feel like.
I find no rest for the comfort of my soul
And yet you and others find a home in me

I have given most a proper genuine love a person can have
Nevertheless they still want more
Are you not satisfied?

I’m not lost
I’m confused

I’m so caught up making you happy
I’m realizing you’re only worried about your happiness.
I have not time to figure my own.

Who am I?
I don’t want you to tell me who I am
Or who I’m supposed to be
All that you know is what you like
And most convenient to you

All that you’ve done for me is tell me to change
Change to better suit your disposition
To become amiable to your insecurities

I’m tired of that.
How long can a man endure
Before he starts to decay inside.

Where’s my love?
You want me to love you,
But you can’t seem to find it in you.
Remember the Golden Rule?

The Kiss of Sanctuary

There is a place for those whom are ashamed
A place for those who are desperate,
A place for those who's soul cannot find rest.

All are welcomed
Freedom reigns here
This is reality others have found and never looked back

If thee seek this place
Thee shall discover in thy heart unknown to thyself a deep sincere gratitude
It's a place thee shall never forget and never desire to leave

Once thee enter,
Thy being is penetrated with bliss
Newness becomes of thee

Thy heart pounds to a new rhythm,
Of wonder are the lens with which thy eyes now see
A beat of centripetal force that anyone cannot deny.

Life truly begins and ends here.
To whom is found guilty shall find embrace through mercy.
To whom being contrite shall be deeply purified and captivated by grace.
This place is the highest and greatest love story.
Behold this place is in Him.

Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

A son's return

Sometimes I get in a state of being, this discontentment about the present inward life, a feeling of restlessness.
I soon arrive to asking myself, is this it? Is this all that life has to offer? And usually (almost always) this would be the best time to examine the kind of lifestyle I've been leading. I believe there is a root to why I am in this state of mind. Thus by my investigation of my current life happenings I realize how astray my heart really is from God. I have come to a place of idleness in nurturing my spiritual inward life. I see in a mirror a man (me) who's given up on himself. Apathy and aimlessness becomes of me.

But with all this said and done, I cannot continue living like this. I say this NOT because it's the right answer, instead because I hate living like this. I do not feel alive. I feel depressed, sad, and melancholy. It's quite pitiful and pathetic actually. What's worst is I do not really do much about it, except distract myself from my present state of being, I find an escape. I just do not think about it. I fill up my time with mindless things from watching a movie, taking a nap, to playing sports, just really focusing on not bringing attention to my depressing innermost life.

Nevertheless deep inside in the very core of my being I absolutely know life is not supposed to be this way. I look at my hands before me signifying my disgust toward my restless uneasiness about my present internal reality. I soon confront again these questions I must ask myself to bring me back to the value of life: purpose and meaning. I can never truly be at peace with myself and have joy in my life, unless I first understand and am reminded of why I exist here on earth. That my existence here on earth counts for something.

I'm not trying to be a somebody or above anyone, but I honestly have come to embrace this strong desire I posses to make my life count. Nothing else could be worse than that of a life wasted on nothingness, without ever having a deep, transcendent, and soul consuming purpose; worthwhile to live out. This is what I believe: God created me from His freewill and all acts that can only be traced back to Him is the root and is the essence of His perfect love. If then I was created by His love, I realize He desires to share His love to me. And if then I am gifted by His love, what shall I do with this love but display "it" for others to realize as well that God's love was meant to be experienced and shared. Yet I cannot come to experience God's love, if this heart of mine is on idle from Him. I must draw near to Him and be responsible for my relational covenant I have with the person of God.

Main point is to be astray from God is hopelessness. To be with God is everything life was/is meant to be. Joy and life's satisfaction begins and ends with God.

Bearer of the light, which enlightens all men.

In the still of the night I wait...
As others cradled in their sleep...
I reflect upon the many hours before...
Searching through the past moments of yesterday....

Where are you taking me?
What are you showing me?

I close my eyes to see...
I watch as a bystander of the past...
I saw this kind of person...

I perceived him giving all that he is,
Without the pretense...

He was a protector, a giver, benevolent, passionate, mindful, and present being...
This heart you cultivated and transformed...
In you I am breathing and living...

Loneliness is gone,
When love exists.

emptied to be filled again

When the river dries up as in the African Savannah,
When grass fades, disappear, and all that is left- dirt and dust,
When trees yield no more leaves, becoming limp- slowly dying,
When animals perish from deficiency, nutrients diminished,
The earth grows a thirst, for birth of life....

The days are long
The days are slow
The days are easily forgotten
The days lethargically spent
A silent scream of frustration within

The bread of life is much needed.

Rain pours out and delivers life again...
The Spirit pours out, rejuvenates a weary soul...
Again this jar of clay filled with living water...

Today's thoughts.

Over and over like a cassette tape on replay, through out my conscious journey; I am consistently thinking about what it means to live in the present moment. I think most of this wonder and curiosity is rooted from wanting every drop out of life. Today I woke up and decided to play a competitive game of ultimate frisbee on a Sunday afternoon at the park. A little over midway of the game I sensed an internal change of attitude creep up on me. No doubt about it, I was arriving to a point of exhaustion and it was a challenge to keep my performance high- but what was interesting is this attitude that crept up on me because it presented to me that I needed to cut back on my effort, slack a little bit, keep it to a minimum, allow myself to become lackadaisical. I know my body is tired but I realize it was also affecting my drive/passion to play my best. The latter does not have to be. I was disgusted by this attitude and I was not going to allow this to swallow me. Something that is very important to me is will, choice and freedom to act according to how I want to handle myself internally when it comes to my attitude and mentality. Why? Because autonomy is a beautiful aspect about living life, it allows for a way we color our lives. And so midway of the game, I decided right then and there, though I was very tired, I was going to apply myself in the best and optimum measure of game play action. It's interesting how God reveals certain truths about ourselves, there's a truth about this experience I think is applicable to a lot of areas in my life.

A character I want to cultivate and have committed myself to is this pursuit to be the best that I can be especially in the arena of challenges- first and foremost the kind of person I am, then naturally flow the kind of quality performance I produce and make that reality by willing to apply myself. This is a true wonder of God- freedom and autonomy is one of many gifts to us. Since love is the meaning to life; to live every drop of life in the present moment needs passion and deliberate will to abide in love. What does this mean? It means to live and operate as a person God intended and fashioned our being to be. To know this means a lot of introspective search for ourselves and seeking God thru it all.